Pregnancy is just a big waiting game!

A good friend of mine is pregnant (actually, I know several people who are pregnant right now). This friend said the most insightful thing to me recently and probably didn't even know it. She said something about how being pregnant is just a big waiting game. Pregnant women are waiting for the first kick, waiting for the first ultrasound, waiting for the next doctors appointment, waiting for the each and every item ordered to come for the nursery, waiting to show as pregnant and not just look fat, waiting, waiting, waiting. Well, I am just sitting around waiting to wait. That seems ridiculous. So, I have decided to just do all of the things i have been waiting until I get pregnant to do. At least then I will be able to enjoy some of my pregnancy and just have to wait for the amazing milestones.

I have sort of started on the nursery (cleaning it out anyway) which has created entire house projects because we have NO closets in my house.  Yesterday I went and bought a pregnancy journal and a few books I have been waiting to buy until I was pregnant. I have started to look for momma groups to join. I will be ordering some of the other books I want off of Amazon. I will start researching midwives and peditricians. I began my registry and I need to do more product research and take more trips to babys r us.

A few months ago i spent a few weeks starting on all of these things but got discouraged when i didnt get pregnant right away. I stopped dead in my tracks and said "I can get all of this done when I get pregnant." But 9 months isnt that long! We have already been trying for about half of that already and it took me this long to get the baby's room closet cleaned out.

And, I am SO glad that i didnt get preggo immediately, btw, because we are getting more and more financially ready with every passing month. When the baby comes, I will hopefully be able to take about 6 months off of work if we can play our cards right. But, since pregnancy is just waiting anyway then I might as well get a jump start on everything.

I am feeling inspired again and want to just do, do, do!

Thanks good friend for re-inspiring me!

Redefining me- Karri 2.0

Just the idea of having a baby has caused me to look at myself, my choices, my life and the people in it. Letting go of someone, especially the current concept of myself, is a hard thing to do. And, in my wise old age (hehe), I am learning that letting go of people doesn't have to be a dramatic scene like it is in the movies and TV shows. Sometimes, it doesn't even need to be announced verbally. It can simply be an internal shift of thinking. "I love this person, but they aren't appropriate in THIS life." And, to close the door on a relationship doesn't permanently lock it forever. If at some point our lives merge back to a place that works again then the door can be opened and a new relationship will emerge from it.

I think I have always believed that "letting go" means to throw away, get rid of, and discard. I am starting to think that "letting go" means to leave behind the concepts of people and things that I have about the past and the relationship that was made then. There are days when I question whether or not I am adult. I still feel like a teenager who has to ask permission (although I never really did ask permission when I was 16 anyway). I am just starting to let go of that concept as I begin to embrace the idea that someday soon (hopefully) someone will be asking ME for permission. WOW! How strange that feels.

I barely feel responsible enough to take care of myself some days when I look back at the decisions I have made. But as I begin to realize that I will have to be responsible for someone else, especially someone who will be sharing my body, I know that I am capable of making better choices and feel ready for the challenge. This person, my child, will be sharing my life, the people in it, my home, my everything. This is the time to start setting good examples, living to my fullest potential and not allowing others to dictate how I feel about myself and my life. Others do not get the power to determine how I feel about myself.

There is a part of me that wants to end that last paragraph with "yea, so suck it" but the "grown up" part of me says "love people for who they are which includes their judgments about me." That's all I really want in my world- people who will love me regardless of my mistakes, past, present, future, judgments and all that I am and will be. So, if that's what I want from others then I need to expect to give that to them first.

There is a difference, however, between loving someone and tolerating them to treat me like crap in my life. Im working on learning that difference and practicing it. I don't know if a baby in the womb can feel what I feel. Some studies say yes and some say no. If there is the smallest chance that it is true then the 1 thing I wouldn't want a new baby to feel is hate, even a mild form of hate like distaste, for other people. Judgment is a form of hate. Its a way of saying "you're wrong; i'm right!" I don't want that in my life.

I have been feeling lonely and depressed lately and have wondered why. I think its because I am saying good bye to the closest relationship I have- myself- and I have not yet embraced (hell, or even found) the newer version. I close with a vulnerable word to those who will feel lost, disgarded, or even just left out for a while, including (and mainly) myself. Maybe when I begin to embrace the part of me that can be "mom" the baby will realize that I am ready. OR, maybe this is all crap and the baby will come with the right egg meets the right sperm and I'm just being all too dramatic about it.

"I loved you when I was me and you were you and I still do. Times, they are a'changin, and we are too. You may feel that I am gone; maybe a part of me that you loved is. I am still here and I still love you. When you are ready to love and accept me just the way I am and will be then I will be ready to open the door and start new. Just knock! Until that time, good luck and maybe I'll see you soon. If I dont, then that's ok too."

Another month bites the dust

Month 4, i believe, and no baby. Im starting to lose track already. I think there is a part of me that believes that I am not ready to completely change my life so maybe I'm internally sabotaging our efforts. I know that this past month we didn't put in the full "effort" and I didn't hold us accountable. I hold myself to such a high standard that I wonder if I will ever feel ready. I almost think I need to be perfect before I have kids, but that's impossible; no one is perfect. I don't have a sense of not being ready to give anything up like vacations, freedom etc. I feel like having kids will be an opportunity to take different kinds of vacations, have different freedoms and experiences. I have a million ideas on how to raise kids but I know that putting ideas into practice is more difficult than it sounds. I am probably just out of the honey moon phase of this crazy idea of parenting and babies. Or, maybe, Im just getting frustrated with getting my period every month. I am an instant gratification kinda person and it's irritating to not get what I want when I want it. But, Im not where I want to be physically. In this 4 months I should have gotten down to my ideal weight and I haven't. Honestly, I haven't really been trying too hard. I should be eating better to prepare my body for a baby but i'm not. We should be better off financially and we went on vacation. So, we certainly arent displaying behaviors of people who are preparing for a baby. I know us, though, and once I get pregnant we will be rushing around trying to get all these things done all last minute style. That's just us. Here's to month 5!