Another month bites the dust

Month 4, i believe, and no baby. Im starting to lose track already. I think there is a part of me that believes that I am not ready to completely change my life so maybe I'm internally sabotaging our efforts. I know that this past month we didn't put in the full "effort" and I didn't hold us accountable. I hold myself to such a high standard that I wonder if I will ever feel ready. I almost think I need to be perfect before I have kids, but that's impossible; no one is perfect. I don't have a sense of not being ready to give anything up like vacations, freedom etc. I feel like having kids will be an opportunity to take different kinds of vacations, have different freedoms and experiences. I have a million ideas on how to raise kids but I know that putting ideas into practice is more difficult than it sounds. I am probably just out of the honey moon phase of this crazy idea of parenting and babies. Or, maybe, Im just getting frustrated with getting my period every month. I am an instant gratification kinda person and it's irritating to not get what I want when I want it. But, Im not where I want to be physically. In this 4 months I should have gotten down to my ideal weight and I haven't. Honestly, I haven't really been trying too hard. I should be eating better to prepare my body for a baby but i'm not. We should be better off financially and we went on vacation. So, we certainly arent displaying behaviors of people who are preparing for a baby. I know us, though, and once I get pregnant we will be rushing around trying to get all these things done all last minute style. That's just us. Here's to month 5!